What does self-love have to do with good sex?
Self love is on everyone's lips. But what exactly does self-love mean? And what does it have to do with sex? Well, quite a lot! In this article, sex coach Carolin Hopp shares tips & tricks on how self-love supports you on your way to a fulfilling sexuality.
Why you can't experience fulfilling sexuality without self-love
We are all traumatized when it comes to our bodies and sexuality. Social media, movies, and even porn, subtly shape our idea of a perfect body and perfect sexuality. And most of the time these two things go hand in hand. Then we see well-formed, well-trained bodies in men and women.
He lays on top of her and after 3 minutes they both orgasm at the same time.
But is this really what reality looks like? Hardly.
Few of us have bodies like the women in magazines and catalogs and yet most of us have sex lives. So far so good.
But our sex life is often shaped by these unconscious ideas that the media have planted in our heads. Let's take the orgasm, for example. Most people practice sex with the goal of reaching orgasm. Because the assumption behind it is: Without an orgasm, the sex was not good/satisfying.
Most of the time, we relate this assumption to our partner and not so much to ourselves. (And this is where self-love comes in). We want the other to have an orgasm so we can get confirmation that the sex was good for them. The same applies to men, because if SHE doesn't come, he has failed and his ego has been knocked out.
Women (and sometimes men too) like to go down the path of "faking an orgasm". The three most common reasons for this are:
- Pressure to have an orgasm so as not to disappoint him
- Boredom
- Physical pain
If I really love myself then I will not endure boredom or physical pain during intercourse. I will talk to my partner and ask them to take a break or stop.
My sexuality cannot be fulfilling at all if I constantly go beyond my own limits and cannot formulate my wishes and needs.
To me, self-love literally means "loving yourself." Physically.
And physically. I can only tell my partner what I want in bed, if I know what I like. When I've shed my body shame and been intimate with myself. Sexuality always begins with the self and not with the other.
This is one of the first pieces of advice I give my clients when sexuality with a partner has died down or is unfulfilling.
Get intimate with yourself. Start loving yourself. Find what you like and give it to yourself. Seduce yourself and touch yourself the same way you would want your lover to touch you.
When you truly embody this practice, the energy you radiate changes. As a rule, the change in your energy does not go past your partner. And the fire of sexuality can ignite in a whole new way.
Unfortunately, nobody teaches us at a young age how to explore our sexuality in a healthy way. Due to our uptight society, we tend to lose touch with our bodies and our very own sexuality and then try to chase after an ideal that doesn't really exist.
As we get older, it's our job to take responsibility for our own sex life and make sure our desires are met. It takes courage and constant practice. Being a good lover to yourself takes time. And that's okay too.
- Stop wanting to please the other person by hook or by crook and stop pretending.
- Stop comparing yourself to unrealistic media images.
- Begin to understand sexuality as an individual learning and research space.
- Have fun trying out and discovering with yourself.
- Find out what really makes you ecstatic and celebrate your own body.
- Use masturbation as a self-love practice to do something good for yourself.
And then: Share your discoveries with your partner afterwards.
Caroline Hopp is a psychologist, yoga and tantra teacher. As an expert in body love, relationships and sexuality, she supports women of all ages on their way to a loving relationship with their own bodies and a fulfilling sexuality. All information about her work and individual coaching: Website, Instagram or Facebook
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