Sexual fantasies: Why certain fantasies make us so hot

*Trigger warning: content contains mentions of sexual violence *.

Forbidden sex, violence, or even sexual rape fantasies: erotic fantasies can be sensual, but they can also be extreme. And that right up front - fantasy and reality are stark contrasts here: Because in fantasy, woman has control over who takes her and how - the fantasy is created entirely by her and can be perfectly tailored to her own desires. In reality, however, this control does not exist, and consequences of actually living through this fantasy are dictated there by others. Sex educator Anna Dillinger explains why we find violent fantasies hot, and why we don't need to condemn ourselves for them.

Erotic fantasies: border-crossing scenarios in the mind

The brain is our largest sexual organ - is that true? Oh yes, the billions of nerve cells switch, for example, what we experience as exciting and how, and the head is also responsible for erotic fantasies. And these fantasies can be consciously triggered - or they can simply appear. While some nod in agreement here, and probably know exactly which sex fantasy totally turns them on at the moment, there are also people who rarely or never resort to imagining something exciting during masturbation or sex.

Because you can get to pleasure and excitement with or without fantasies and one is not better than the other - but for many it works extremely well to turn on their own sex head cinema: Be it to get going first, during sex, or even just before orgasm, for that final kick to come.

So pleasure doesn't start between your legs, but between your ears. That's why today is all about your erotic fantasies. Erotic fantasies can be tender, sensual, exciting, violent or even really extreme. Many of us find especially transgressive scenarios hot, for example sex orgies, rape, forbidden sex or BDSM. This is no reason to be ashamed, it's perfectly okay.

That's why today you'll learn how to understand and embrace your fantasies.

The difference between sexual fantasies and reality

Fortunately, fantasies are a private matter, and to invalidate here directly times a fear: Fantasies can sometimes be quite violent or extreme, and that does NOT necessarily have anything to do with what you want in reality or how you are sexually "poled".

Sometimes one can identify an idea quite clearly as "that would be nevertheless times delightful to implement..." but very often it is quite clear that the whole thing should please remain fictitious. I often hear from clients that they don't understand why they find "such bad" fantasies so exciting. Often it is about rape or BDSM fantasies, orgies, "forbidden" sex - mostly transgressive scenarios.

Most of the time, it's easy to distinguish what kind of fantasy it is now: One that may and should get out - or one that can just stay in your head and works great there. It can become unpleasant if one can identify oneself so little with the sexual ideas or even finds them morally reprehensible - then one can come into conflict with oneself, because "I'm not like that at all, why do I get horny from it"?

Even though it is always true that "thoughts are free", I have noticed in the course of my work that sometimes it is not enough to convey to someone in conversation that they have nothing to worry about and that all sexual fantasies are fine. For those who still want to hear it again, yes! That's exactly how it is in my opinion. Own pictures, which are individually linked with arousal and take place in the personal head cinema may first of all everything, a border to the outside is not violated.

It usually also makes a difference whether there are many different sexual fantasies that can be drawn on - or whether there is just "the one" that "always has to be." This can - I deliberately say "can", not "must" become a problem.

And that's why I understand when it feels like a client once described it to me, for whom a movie played over and over again in her mind's cinema, in which there was a lot of violence and which excited her: "During this time it's totally cool, even if it already feels a bit wrong - but afterwards I get a guilty conscience and feel ashamed of it. It's almost like I'm doing something to myself by doing it." Feeling this way is stressful and it takes a little more backlighting to really understand why violence in sexual fantasies works great for many people and they don't have to judge themselves for it - but are allowed to understand themselves and just why it works so well.

Where do cross-border erotic fantasies come from?

"Meanwhile, it's totally horny, even if it already feels a bit wrong - but afterwards I get a guilty conscience and feel ashamed of it."

"I'm not really like that, why does it make me horny? "If you have these thoughts, you may be dreaming about sexual fantasies that don't actually match your expectations. Feeling this way can be stressful. Where do these unwanted fantasies come from? The answer is: they are the result of our history.

Each of us has our own sexual resources. What skills have you learned in your love life? What sensing experiences have you had in your life? It depends on this whether your sexual resources are more or less broad.

This includes very different areas, for example:

• How to feel your body and use it for pleasure and arousal
• Your knowledge about sex
• Your own value system
• The ability to enter into relationship or seduce
• And many more

Each of us has different resources and for this reason each of us has different erotic fantasies.

Let's get back to cross-border fantasies: If you like violence in your fantasies, you may need a lot of tension and pressure on the physical side to get aroused and feel pleasure. You can observe this, for example, when you satisfy yourself. Is your body very tense, legs pressed through or pressed together, firm pressure on the clitoris, shallow breathing, little movement? For many, this tension is a very effective way to orgasm. 

If we now look at what a violent fantasy or BDSM fantasy does to the body, things become clearer.

• How does one react in anticipation of a blow? The body tenses.
• How much freedom of movement do you have when you are tied up? Almost none, you rather feel pressure from the outside.

That's when it clicks: These are exactly the things that someone with a lot of tension on the physical side needs to get aroused. So the fantasy fits the body feeling during sex and has less to do with concrete desires for reality.

This realization can be reassuring and creates self-understanding instead of shame. It also gives one the opportunity to decide: Is this a good fit for me, or do I want to expand a bit in the area of my "body tools"? Because the cool thing is: that's a good place to start. You can't "prescribe" new fantasies, but when it comes to how we use our bodies when having sex with ourselves and others, you can - and yes, it takes practice - always learn something. The first step is always self-observation.

Erotic fantasies reveal a lot about us

So erotic fantasies reveal a lot about us - but not always what we assume. Allowing them, consciously giving them space and talking about them when necessary is worthwhile. 

Now it's your turn: try it out this week and turn on your head cinema! Be it to get into the right mood, during masturbation or shortly before orgasm for the final kick. Everything that makes you feel like it is allowed!

About the author

Anna Dillinger works as a sex educator in Vienna. As a clinical sexologist according to Sexocorporel, she works with individuals and couples on sexual questions and problems.