Thriving in an Open Relationship: 7 Essential Principles for Success

Relationships are dynamic and continue to evolve in different directions over the years. Your life situation changes and different needs come to the fore. Such developments can lead to the consideration of opening up the relationship. 

So if you are wondering whether an open or polyamorous relationship suits you better or can save your relationship, you should approach this topic cautiously and examine exactly where you currently stand. At Couple Care we experience again and again that the process of opening up can only succeed with a lot of tact, genuine care and empathy. That is why we have also put the basic work of conflict resolution and Couple Care - as the basis for questions of relationship opening - in front in our practice program.

Especially at the beginning of this process, when couples are thinking about opening up, the question of appropriate rules for an open or polyamorous relationship is often raised. This is understandable and also valuable, because the exchange about rules helps on the one hand to understand one's own needs and feelings, and on the other hand to communicate with each other.

needs and feelings on the one hand, and on the other hand in talking to each other. It gives a sense of security and control. 

However, two things are central here: 

1. First, rules are not universal or valid once and for all. They have to be looked at and adapted again and again. Because life changes just like the needs of partners. What was appropriate in your mid-twenties may no longer be valid in your early forties. And of course, what may be a sensible rule for one couple may be an excessive restriction or unreasonable obligation for another.
2. Second, the protective function of rules for open or polyamorous relationships must not be overestimated. After all, rules primarily provide security as long as they are not really needed. One day a rule will be broken. That is (almost) always the case and unavoidable. And then it is much more important whether you have established appreciative communication and which values determine your actions.

In the search for a relationship model that is right for you, basic attitudes and principles are much more important than small rules.

1. You need a happy relationship to open these

The most important prerequisite for a happy opening is a fundamentally stable relationship. It sounds banal, but unfortunately it is a fact that is too often overlooked. An opening always puts a couple under pressure. Deficits become visible and fractures in the couple relationship become real disturbances. Often relationship problems are only really noticed now! It happens again and again that couples think about opening up because they are dissatisfied. And I say right away: according to my experience this will not be successful. First comes a happy relationship, then the opening can be added as the icing on the cake. So the first task is: Determine with each other: How do we want to keep our relationship active and alive? What are we doing for our happiness together? This is what I call Couple Care.

2. Space for truths and honesty

Each of us has learned to lie. Sometimes lies are understandable, sometimes they protect us - sometimes others, sometimes they hurt. I am not concerned here with the question of the morality of lying. Rather, the key questions are: Have I been allowed in my life to learn to express my feelings and thoughts as I perceive them? Have I practiced being truly honest with myself? Do I have to lie to myself, because otherwise I can't stand my inner contradictions? Can I show myself - with all my sides or do I fear rejection and lack of understanding?

If you want to give each other something really great, then give each other space. Space in which your inner truths can honestly show themselves. Stop attacking yourselves or each other, look curiously right where life is happening - inside. In fact, honesty in relationship begins with an individual's honesty with themselves. And yes, it is a powerful task to become truly honest with oneself. This is not about the questions of how much couples should share with each other or if and what secrets are allowed to exist within the relationship? Rather, the following question is central: What do I need in order to stand by myself and my desires and to find out in joint dialogue how we can live our respective needs together and in a bonding way?

3. Taking responsibility for feelings

The most widespread change I've observed in myself and others so far is taking responsibility for your own feelings. No matter what happens, you are always responsible for what feelings your brain produces for you and how you act on them. Conversely, no matter what you do, you never really have any control over what feelings your partner experiences in a situation.

If we really accept this, then our relationship life changes radically. When we do, we can no longer blame each other and pass the responsibility for our well-being to our partner. Then we have to step up ourselves and make decisions in such a way that they do good - for us and for others.

So I need a real willingness to take responsibility for making my own emotional and thought production more positive and benevolent. The softer and more inwardly flexible I am, the more appropriate my behaviors become and I start an important development process.

4. Knowledge is the prerequisite for respecting boundaries

Basically, your exchange of ideas is for you to agree on what you want to try together. You do not have to want the same thing! It is enough if you look for a possible satisfaction for the in each case formulated need. This means that I am basically ready to look for a possible solution, even if I can't imagine at the moment that my wife e.g. kisses someone else or that my husband goes to the mountains alone for 4 days. If there are resistances, then find out together what they are. Be courageous and go in search of self-knowledge. First of all, everything is allowed in the imagination. But not every fantasy wants to be lived out. Knowledge about existing needs offer orientation. Allow yourselves this common orientation towards intimacy and agreement. 

An open or polyamorous relationship does not mean that I can do whatever I want. It does significant damage to a relationship if I uncontrollably disregard all boundaries. If your boundaries are repeatedly disregarded, then this can be a sign that you do not have the right partner at your side or the constellation is not right. Please take your boundaries seriously and express them. It's not about polyamory demanding or expecting anything from you. You yourself are the standard and you yourself define your limits. 

5. In suffering there is also knowledge

To go to the limits and there calmly perceive what I can feel and learn, for this I must also be able to temporarily endure situations and unpleasant emotional states. It takes a dedication and also a certain willingness to suffer, so that I am able to discover new things and let diversity into my life. It doesn't all feel good all the time, but you should always establish agreement together. Look and see what you have experienced as positive for you - and what you have not. Surprisingly, what is difficult and painful in life is often also what is most impactful and positively formative. So, reach boldly into the thorns of life.

6. Try your hand

In your imagination, things can feel exciting or threatening. But only when you try it, you will feel how you really perceive and feel it. That's why I recommend that you just try things. Sometimes you only find out afterwards what was right or wrong for you. It happens that couples try something that was not good for one of the partners or for both of them. This is normal. Take it as an experience and see what you want to do differently next time. To err is human and sometimes it hurts. So get up and move on!

7. Safer sex and intimate health

Unfortunately, this topic is still very taboo and too many people take high risks. But: safe sex is a must - without ifs and buts! Be aware that you are responsible for yourself as well as for your intimate partners. So make this a topic, get tested regularly and avoid unprotected sex. And that goes for oral sex, too. Diseases are a real risk if you don't take the issue seriously. So, start right at the beginning of a date: when was your last test and what did you have tested? A simple and innocent question that will protect you and others. And first of all, go to the doctor and get tested!