Why do everyone have completely different ideas?
Why can violence and breaking taboos often be arousing in the imagination and whatdoes that mean?
The brain is our largest sexual organ, you hear it again and again - is that true? Oh yes, thebillions of nerve cellsinterconnect, for example, what we experience as exciting and howandthe head is also responsible for erotic fantasies. And sometimes they canbe consciously controlled - or simply appear. While the one herenod in agreement, and probably know exactly what sex fantasy you're imaginingTotally turns on at the moment, there are also people who are into masturbation orrarely if ever resort to imagining something arousing during sex.
Because todesireand you can get excited with or without fantasies and one thingis no better than the other - but for many it works extremely well, their ownTurn on Sex Head Cinema: Be it to get going, during sex,or justjust before orgasm, for the last kick to come.
Luckily, fantasies are a private matter, and to assuage a fear here:Fantasies can get pretty intense or extreme at times, and that has NOTinevitably to do with what one desires in reality or how one sexuallyis "poled".
Sometimes you can get an idea very clearly as "that would be niceattractiveimplement..." identify quite often but it is perfectly clear that the wholefictitious pleaseshould stay. I often hear from clients that they don't understand why they are "so bad"find fantasies so arousing. It's often about rape orBDSM-Fantasy,Orgies, "forbidden" sex - mostly borderline scenarios.
Most of the time it is easy to distinguish what kind of fantasy it is:One,who is allowed outand should – or one that is simply imstay headcan and there greatis working. It can become uncomfortable when you treat yourself so little with the sexualCan identify ideas or even find them morally reprehensible - then you cancome into conflict with yourself, because "I'm not like that at all, why will Ithen cool with it"? Even if it always applies"Thoughts are free"I have in the course of mywork noticed that sometimes it is not enough to convey that to someone in a conversationthey don't have to worry andEveryonesexual fantasiesare fine. who itstill want to hear it again: Yes! That's exactly how it is in my opinion. Own pictures thatare individually linked to arousal and are allowed to play out in the personal cinema of the mindFirst of all, a border to the outside is not violated.
It usually also makes a difference if there are many different onessexuelle Fantasiengives upthat can be used - or whether there is just "the one" that "always bemust." That can - I say "can", not "must" consciously, become a problem.
And that's why I understand, when it feels like a client once described it to me,in which a film played in the head cinema again and again, in which a lot of violence occurred andwhich aroused her: "In the meantime, it's totally awesome, even if it's a bit wrongfeels - but afterwards I get a bad conscience and I'm ashamed of it. It isalmost as if I would do something to myself with it." To feel like that isdistressing and it needs a tiny bit more backlighting to do it rightunderstand why violence in sexual fantasies works great for many people andshe herselfdon't judge for ithave to - but are allowed to understand oneself and that's italso why it works so well.
And here we are deep in our “own sexual system”: everyone has itHuman and it is - surprise - supremedifferent and individual. Depending onwhat skills someone has learned and what experiences someone has had in their life so farmade, so they are correspondingly wide-rangingown resources inof sexuality.
What is that "resources in sexuality" supposed to be?
This means very different areas. How to feel your body and forPleasure and arousal is a very large area. (Read more about this in mylast blog article about our "body tools"), but also thatown knowledge about sex, thatown value system, theability to relateor to seduce and and and.The great thing is: Everyone accumulates something, everyone has a certain range andResources. And – spoiler alert! – you can also extend it throughout your life, becauseSexuality is largely learned. So learning is always possible.
But back to the fantasies. With my client with the violent fantasies, theEvaluate her sexual system: On the physical side, she needs a lottension and pressureto get aroused and feel pleasure. Specifically saw that in themasturbation in that she straightens her legs, presses a hand to her clitoris,the breath is shallow and the whole body moves little, but above all -tense. An often very effective way toOrgasmus. (For people who want toOrgasm would also be the resource right here! – you see, the whole thing is never black and white!)
Now look at what a "violence" or BDSM fantasy does to the body,becomes a lot clearer: How do you react when you are expecting a hit? The bodytense. How much range of motion does one have in a fixed or constrained state? Soalmost none, you feel the pressure from the outside. And then it clicked: Thatwere exactly the things my client needed to get physically aroused. theSo my client's fantasy just fitted perfectly with her current physical activityduring sex. And probably had a lot less to do with their supposed "desires"to do.
That realization alone can be scarycalmingbe and also gives you thatOpportunity to decide: Does that suit me, or do I want to be in my areaExpand "body tools" a bit? Because the cool thing is: you can start there. New onesYou can't "prescribe" fantasies, but when it comes to how we do oursUsing the body to have sex with ourselves and others is possible - and yes, it is necessaryPractice - always learning something new. The first step is always introspectionand it can often be very helpful to seek support from sex counseling or -to get therapy.
Exciting: When I'm in the area of mybody toolsam more broadly based, canalso my sexual fantasiesexpand or change. Because I'm not only anymorerely on one thing, but have several options. In many cases, includingmy client, the violent fantasy just receded into the background a bit. shestill worked, and my client still uses it occasionally (but nowwithout shame!) –but the focus had broadenedand the certain fancy had tojust don't always be anymore. For her, that solved the problem.
This is ONE example - every sexual system is as individual as man himself andif pressure builds up over a long period of time that something cannot be done with one's own fantasiesvote, then it's absolutely worth it, times„the big picture"to look at and something newto learn about yourself.
So sexual fantasies reveal a lot about us – but not always what we think aboutgo out. So you are a bit far from thetaboo cornerand can be discussed if necessarydoing is worthwhile: because instead of dealing with devaluation and shame, we deal with onegood self-understanding (sometimes I just have to understand first, which I then alsolike or accept) much better!
This article was created in cooperation with Anna Dillinger. More information about her work can be found here:https://anna-dillinger.at/