Different Pleasure Approaches (1) - The Myth of Balanced Pleasure

Why do people have different desires and what kinds of desire approaches are there?

I think we can all quickly agree that everyone's qualities, experiences, and personality traits are wholedifferent and individualare - fortunately, one can add, anything else would most likely be pretty boring.

But how is it then that in many minds whenTheme "Desire for sex"Is there an ideal concept according to which both sex or relationship partners would ideally like to have sex with each other equally, often and with the same intensity?


This narrative fits well with a number of other unrealistic notions about sex: that it always "just works," that the pleasure comes "out of nowhere," and that nothing in sexuality can be changed. So in this imagined sex world, everything always runs smoothly,Needs seem to be identical- and if it doesn't work out, well, then unfortunately there is no explanation for it, but in the end only the feeling of being inadequate.

Stop and nonsense! What I've already exaggerated here, most people can probably refute from their own experience: In a relationship, sexual desire is never quite the same - there is always one person who shows more of it, while the other person shows "less" overall in comparison. Seems to be interested. Interesting here:The relationship does not always have to remain the same and can change depending on your life and situationLustphasealso turn around. And what now means "a lot" or "a little" is never fixed either: In one relationship, the person with the weekly desire for sex may be the one who "want a lot" - in another relationship with another counterpart, she may also be the " Being a "less-wanting" person.

Therapist David Schnarch goes even one step further and brings us to the following thought: The person with theless strongsexual desirehas a lot of power over lived sexuality.In the end, she often "decides" whether to have sex or not.

Now is that a bad thing? No! It's just the reality that two people in a relationship don't always want the same thing, are different, and have different needs. This starts in everyday life and extends to all areas of the companyrelationship designfurther: Even with sexuality.

It's exciting to take a look at how this "different pleasure" actually comes about. Pleasure as part of sexuality is something we've learned: Yesfrom birth we associate sensory and tactile experiences with certain feelings. (Self) touching is part of it, and if something feels pleasant, tingly and pleasurable, it is usually repeated if you have the opportunity.


Even children touch their whole body, including their own genitals, and so develop very individual„Spür-Connections"andfancy shortcuts. Later in masturbation, for one person it can mean that rubbing the vulva against something and moving the pelvis feels pleasurable - for the other it takes a certain pressure with the fingers and tension in the lower body to feel arousal . These different - and there are many more ways to masturbate! – Pleasure modes result from a very own, individual learning and acquisition process. And in this, what kind of pleasure accesses a person has gotten to know and established for themselves is also formed.

Pleasure approaches can work in very different ways. And each of these "springboards to pleasure" is justified - but it can be exciting to think about:What do I use to get pleasure? Do I need something specific for this and how easy or difficult is it for me to get exactly that when needed and to consciously control it to a certain extent?

There are very different springboards - and some are much more flexible than others. A classic that I often hear in my practice is: I have to be in a certain "mood" in which I feel very close to my partner! But there is also the opposite: "For me it has to be completely being exciting when we could get caught or, for example, after an argument or emotional conversation, what comes to me the most is "lust".

It is undisputed that strong emotions – be it love or excitement – do a lot to us and our bodies. This kind of "deep feeling sex" can be wonderful, amazing, connecting or liberating and intense - so enjoy it!

But if this type of lust access is the only one, a "must-have" so to speak - then it can also become difficult at times. Because in a relationship everything is not always pink and red, the feeling of deep closeness is not around the clock there, just as little as quarreling and excitement (even if there are certainly some exceptions to this point - everyone has to decide for themselves how much of it is healthy and tolerable). That means for pleasure: I have to go to very specific ones Feelings wait or try to create them so that sex is possible This makes me dependent on you - and I have less control over pleasure.


But there is also a more direct route to lust. Sometimes we forget where and with what we get our lust and excitement next to thatheadactually produce: With the body! Big advantage here: We always have our body with us and with our body we can do and learn a lot that makes us happy. And when wegreater access to our "body tools"have, i.e. know how we can exert influence ourselves - then we can also control our desire a bit more consciously. So not a bad extension!

In part 2 of my blog post, I'll tell you what that can look like in concrete terms and what it means to consciously use your "body tools" in order to have greater decision-making power over your own desire!

This article was created in cooperation with the sex educator Anna Dillinger, more information about her is availableon your website

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