How to get your sexual desire back!
Many women long to return to the infatuation phase, in which they felt a strong sexual desire for their partner in addition to many other feelings. Sexual desire changes for many couples over time. The question is how to manage this change well.
In this article you will find out what craving is all about and how you can rediscover your craving.
Alteration of sexual desire in partnerships
Thesexual desirebecomes less in a long-term partnership for many couples. The question is, how does each couple and each individual deal with it?
From a biological point of view, more hormones are released at the beginning of the relationship, which increase sexual desire. Couples who have just fallen in love are also spending more "quality couple time" together. That means they're growing upDates, are curious and attentive to the other.
When couples start seeing each other every day, it willfeeling of connectednessoften strengthened. However, sexual desire suffers. Because a certain distance creates eroticism. If the partner is nearby 24/7 and there are no experiences without him/her, the feeling of love increases for many, but not the sexual desire. Experiences without your partner, allowing yourself more quality couple time again, can lead to more desire for your partner.
Desire is not always spontaneous
In her book Come As You Want, Emily Nagoski distinguishes between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire simply occurs when, for example, you see a sexy person or have an erotic thought. This spontaneous desire occurs more frequently in men than in women. With responsive desire, you don't want sex until sexy things are already happening. That means you're already doing it, and the desire comes with it. Neither is better or worse. Both types of desire have their pros and cons.
We feel desire when arousal meets an appropriate context. This appropriate context looks different for each person. For many people it can be a relaxed environment or having time for sex. how does one seesex positive contextout for you?
Feel sexual desire
Do you know the feeling of sexual desire? When was the last time you felt it? how does it feel for you Where did you feel it in your body? How did yoursVulvaand your vagina felt?
In everyday life we spend a lot of time in our heads and often forget to pay attention to our bodies. Sexual desire often expresses itself through our bodies. That's why we can learn to perceive our body more strongly again. The best way to do this is to take a few minutes a day andconsciously feel it in our body. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths, then consciously feel your body. You can give each part of your body a few seconds of attention. Above all, you may consciously perceive your vulva and vagina.
Ways to get into sexual desire
Some women experience increased sexual desire around the time of ovulation. For others, sexual desire comes from talking about sex with friends. Still others consciously listen to a sexual audio story and thus become lustful. Many people only feel sexual desire when they are relaxed. If you, as a mother of two with a job, household chores and cooking, lack the energy for sexual desire, it is counterproductive to make yourself feel bad about the lack of sexual desire.
It would be more effective to have asex positive contextto accomplish.
Because when there is a more sex-positive context, sexual desire often dares to show itself again. Relaxation and the right fantasies can work wonders.
Sexual fantasies and desires
When we have a desire, we often haveFantasienin the head, which we usually experience as fun and exciting. However, fantasies can also trigger unpleasant feelings. For example, when these fantasies are "wrong" or "degrading" in our perception.
Are you comfortable with your sexual fantasies? If you're uncomfortable with your fantasies, sex counseling or sex therapy can help.
Your sexual desire is also influenced by your fantasies. If you don't allow yourself your sexual fantasies, your desires can suffer as well.
We can also consciously use fantasies to activate our desire. For example, a daydream can trigger a desire for sex.
The first step to (re)developing your sexual desire is to be curious. Even if you think you know your partner inside out sexually, there's always somethingTo discover something new about him*her. When we are more mindful about sexuality, we often notice things that we didn't notice before. Trying out new things in bed also helps rediscover your curiosity. In the best case, there are new pleasurable encounters that you can think of to rekindle your desire.
Also stay curious about yourself, your body and your (sexual) feelings towards it. There is always something new to discover about yourself. If we stay with sexuality with full awareness, we can rediscover different aspects of touch. How does it feel to be lightly caressed or with more pressure? With which touches and with which intensity do you get a feeling of "wanting more"?
How do I show my desire for sexuality?
If we have developed desire and now want sex with another person, there is still the other person who desires you in the best case – then nothing stands in the way of a hot night of love. But it can also happen that your partner does not notice that you want sexuality. There are different ways to let him/her know that you are sexually interested. A: "Hey, let's have sex" may not be the most charming way, but sometimes it gets the job done. You can convey your desire not only through words, but also by flirting with the other person or by making ambiguous remarks over and over again (Warning: many people don't take hints very well, before you walk away disappointed, say it again clearly.)
If you are standing in front of him/her in lingerie and maybe with high heels, it should be clear enough. Becomecreative in seductionand come up with something. Almost all people enjoy being seduced. Seduction should be cultivated in long-term partnerships. Listening, smiling, complimenting, showing interest are the basics of good seduction. Active seduction can make you feel more sexual desire.
Of course it can also happen that your partner does not feel like having sex. This can have many different reasons, often it has nothing to do with you. But you can also decide here whether you are disappointed and watch a Netflix series or you use your sexual desire for yourself. You can give yourself a good time and seduce, spoil and satisfy yourself during solo sex.
To regain your sexual desire, first ask yourself honestly how pleasurable your sexuality is for you and how you could make your sexuality even more pleasurable. Create a sex-positive context for your sexual desire, in which you really have the opportunity to feel it. Stay curious about yourself and your partner and show your desire for each other.
Kind regards, Claudia
Claudia is a sex educator & sex counselor. She specializes in the topic of female* sexual desire.It is her desire to accompany people to fully develop their own sexual power.When she's not reading a book about sexuality, Claudia loves long walks in nature.
If you want to learn more about how to develop your sexuality and create more desire for sex, feel free to check out theSex Blog - Claudia Januor follow her on Instagram: claudia.januSources:https://die-sexualtherapeutin.ch/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/regio_sexuelles-begehren.pdf