Frustration instead of desire?
...For three years we have had little to no sex.
I met someone at work "whom I can't get out of my head". I feel a strong attraction, both physical and mental, even though we hardly know each other. "I want to seduce him and be seduced. Uninhibited sex have, full of desire, enjoyment and joy." It's just a secret idea.
Needs are different from person to person and so are divergences regarding thesexual desirebelong to relationships. In some couples*, the sexual desire of both partners* is different in intensity and this can affect love and the ability to bond in the long term. The question is therefore: How can couples* deal with it constructively?
Love can be messy - infidelity even more so
In our earlier generations, cheating was often a compensation because love and passion were not part of the relationship. We cheat because our relationship doesn't offer us the love, passion, and undivided attention we once expected it to give us. This makes the central problem more tangible. Sometimes we expect one person to give us what used to take a whole village, and we live twice as long as we did then. That's quite a chunk if you want to lift it with two people.
If it is consistent for both or more people, neither one standspolyamorensomething in the way of an open relationship. Always on the condition of consensus, trust and transparency and of course the rules that the people involved agree on.
In the course of the first few years everything is often still right, but then the sexual desire changes noticeably. This varies from couple* to couple* and from person to person. The discrepancy in terms of shared sexuality increases over time.
Like all development, sexual development is a ripple and lifelong process of new discovery and the consolidation of what has already been learned through repetition or recourse to earlier stages of development. Physical changes in the various phases of life - such as hormonal changes, as well as illnesses and disabilities require new sexual learning processes.In aSexual counseling or sex therapy will pick you up where you are in your sexual development and support you in expanding your sexuality, making you more self-confident and self-determined in your sexuality.
lack of desire
According to a study by pro familia in Germany, about 30 percent of women* between the ages of 18 and 59 report aboutlack of interest in sex. ("Lack of appetite or libido").For men* it is 14 to 17 percent between 18 and 59 years.
The diverse reasons for the different desire for sex
The causes are complex. It can begin with satisfaction with one's own body and be related to previous experiences and childhood imprints, from social roles to hormonal fluctuations, shame, phases of life and professional or private stress.
Quite a range and somehow easy to understand: For example, if you are focused on changing jobs or have to digest the hustle and bustle of everyday life, then logically you do not necessarily feel like passionate couple sex.
Of course, the general condition of the couple*relationship itself can also be a decisive factor for sexual desire, in some cases one person in the partnership can also show a lack of libido or asexuality.
This includes the intimacy between both partners. So, how emotionally close are they really - or do they rather live side by side and function well in everyday life? Sometimes, especially in couples* with children, there is simply a lack of time and energy to get involved sexually.
Everlasting passion... a myth?
Desire and Sensuality - Tolerate impermanence.
It takes sex 2-3 times a week in a functioning and happy relationship, doesn't it?Mythenlike these are being circulated en masse. Either set up by the circle of friends or simply passed on from generation to generation. Does that mean that couples* with less sex are also less happy?
Your relationship is automatically worth less than that of couples* who fulfill the equation with the two values - frequency of sexuality = intensity of love. This equation definitely does not correspond to the reality of life for couples* and can therefore safely be ignored.
- What is a happy relationship for me?
- What values did I take with me into the relationship?
- And what about my values today?
- Is my relationship a status?
- Don't I want to be alone?
- Do I want to prove something to someone?
- When it comes to couple sexuality, am I with me or with my partner?
Reflecting here can sometimes be exciting and helpful.
The eroticization of distance
Especially with couples* who are emotionally very close, this is often a topic in the background, maybe even on the unconscious level.
Generally speaking, eroticism needs a small hurdle. An incentive. The American sex therapist Jack Morin came up with the erotic equation for this:
Arousal = Attraction + Obstacle
Attraction alone is not enough. You have to have something to overcome, that's what makes it so appealing.
Oneartful seductionneeds a few more sizzling ingredients.
Apart from the fact that it always depends on who wants to seduce whom, the facts must still be in the balance.
Nothing is clear. The seduction situation ends at the very moment when the situation is no longer open, but clearly perceptible.
Love without being forced to have sex
When the relationship is solid and sovereignty has developed, one does not allow oneself to be influenced by external images, which are often triggered from outside, of how extremely important sex is in a partnership. However, it is not easy to free yourself completely from the outside world. However, this opens the door to creative freedom. To develop and shape the love relationship for yourself as a couple* from scratch and to give all the necessary basics their own value, such as conversations, time together, listening, intimacy, a new basis that you build up together.
talking and closeness
Undoubtedly, sex is not the only mode of creating intimacy. There is also sex in relationships where there is surprisingly little intimacy. However, when emotional closeness stagnates in a relationship, a good approach is to restore it, the key to this: quality over quantity.breaking routines, communication, reconnecting, realigning interests, shedding shame and maybe sharing your sexual preferences with your partner.
Communicate openly, constructively and appreciatively, take each other seriously and listen.
Together, a couple* can find out exactly what the desire is and find common ground. Or share your curiosity. Often it is not so much about the frequency, but about the variety and quality of sex.
Sex and intimacy can be helpful to rekindle desireconsciously give space and timeand to plan – even if that sounds terribly unspontaneous. Otherwise it can easily happen that the busy everyday life causes everything to falter again. If possible, there should be no pressure here. Proximity and everything that results from it in mutual agreement: yes, fine, great - sex on command: no way.
Particularly important: show that there is a general desire for closeness and a momentary refusal of an intimate invitation, not an expression ofbasic displeasureis. Different degrees of desire for sex is normal. As long as both of them talk about their needs and desires in a considerate and loving manner and look for solutions together that create a consensus, you can just enjoy a comfortable sex-free time.
Horny sex is more than orgasms
Of course, sex is far from just about himOrgasmus. It is often not easy, especially for women*, to talk about their desires and needs without being ashamed or about media-triggered performance expectations. To enjoy their* sexuality in such a way that they* really enjoy it and enjoy it, and that they* can let themselves go completely.
It is also very important here to formulate clearly what you like and what NOT!
In our society, female* lust and sexuality are unfortunately still mainly considered in a heteronormative manner and in relation to men* and their* satisfaction. While women* can be desirable sex objects, they are not necessarily desiring sex subjects, please. So it is considered desirable and important to be good in bed –to feel good about yourselfbut is at most secondary.
The sex-positive movement has been trying to clean this up for almost half a century. It's about defining varieties together and experiencing fulfilling sex - CONSENT. However, this only works with honest, appreciative and free communication. That can be enriching for everyone involved.
What makes sex worthwhile?
If it is primarily a question of satisfying security or recognition needs, the desire is subject to a wide range of fluctuations. Depending on the relationship climate, mood and everyday stress, individual needs change as the relationship lengthens. It's definitely not what it was when the relationship started. The need for closeness fluctuates and is sometimes satisfied ad nauseam by the children. Only when sexuality is experienced as highly pleasurable is the system significantly less susceptible to stress, fatigue or distraction. This requires pleasant sensory stimuli, emotions and cognitions.
People* who are sexually satisfied are also more relaxed about talking about their* sexuality and desires.
It is wonderful to learn how to feel and feel good in your own skin, to know what feels good, what is exciting and fun and what is not, and then to be able to formulate it clearly and clearly. In sexual counseling for couples in particular, the focus is on sexual health, sexual education and sexual learning.
Author: Mag.a Ursula Wilms-Hoffmann
Sex educator, sex counselor, clinical sexologist/sexual therapist iAuS, psychological counselor, coach, social worker, social pedagogue, yoga teacher and mother, more information atwww.lebelieber.org